I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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