I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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