even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
