I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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