life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i dont even know how to be here
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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