Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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