My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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