last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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