Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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