if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
