Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
