I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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