i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
