DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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