Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
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He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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