I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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