Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
