So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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