My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
