I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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