tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
