the day after is always just damage control
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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