Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
