I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
