maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm getting married
To pizza
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
