My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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