I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
