I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
