That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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