just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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