Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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