i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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