Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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