I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
