I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Farmville is her only friend.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
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He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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