the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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