Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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