Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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