I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
