You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
