and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
