I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
