Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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