4 words: hood of his car
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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