Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
