Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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