i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
