I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Im part way to drunk.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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