I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
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I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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