so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."