We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sorry my hands just texted you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine