who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore