I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?