But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
