So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
