Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
