Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
