Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Drake has all the answers
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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