What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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