420 ftw
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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