I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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