Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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