if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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