Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
